Christmas has come and gone fast this year

This past week was super busy. Here's a run down. Monday I went and got my new car. It's pretty awesome. I love it. Tues I babysat from 6:00 am until 12:30pm for my two nieces (4 and 2) and had a blast with them. I got an adorable frog for my collection from them. Then I had an appt and also the last advent bible study. More about Bible study later. I also gave my friend a new car for Christmas long story but funny. Weds we had final run through of the Christmas program with ROCK group and had their Christmas party and had a blast with them. I switched my car over to my name and made tons of homemade fudge and chocolate covered pretzles. I also went to a meeting. Thurs spent the day with my family. At 6:00 the kids did their last Christmas program and did wonderful. From there went into the other church and helped light candles and ran the computer for the church. Then went to my grandparents and hung my stocking and helped filled others. Christmas morning we opened at my parents. I got a Wii and a couple games plus Jessie gave me a key chain that says a bunch of encouraging things. It's pretty sweet. Then we went to my grandparents and opened stockings. From there went across the street to the funeral home and had dinner. My youngest counsin Christian took a fall and ended up with 5 stitches. I am extremely blessed this holiday season and I'm not talking about gifts I'm talking about with my family. My new moto for the upcoming year is A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

I am so very blessed

Well this morning was our first out of two ROCK group performances of their Christmas program. I was impressed with the kids because they did such an excellent job. I am truely blessed at this point in my life to be given the oppurtunity to run this youth group. A year ago I would have laughed at you had you said that I would run a youth group but now I see how much lately my heart has changed. Life is awesome and the kids remember all the time.

The Christmas Season is upon us........

Wow hard to believe in 6 short days Christmas will be upon us yet again. I'm excited but for the first time in awhile it's not about the presents or things like that but about celebrating the birth of Christ. Maybe it's because of running the ROCK group or being sober but I am looking at the true meaning of Christmas this year. I remember a few years ago I had to give a talk at the LDS church on What gift could I give to Christ at Christmas and I choose to actually expand it and made it include what could I give to him all year. What I had come up then was giving the gift of Christ yourself by giving him you whole heart. This next year that is what I am going to strive to do better. I went to a bible study this week and had a really good talk with a friend and I am begining to see where I am changing and what people see different from a year ago. It's just through the example I am leading now and through that I can make some of the ammends I need to make. It's truely been an amazing thing this past year to see all the changes that have taken place and more importantly I have noticed that my heart has really changed from being full of anger to being full of love more so in the last month. I am so excited for tomorrow as it is the ROCK group Christmas program that they have worked hard on for the last 3 weeks. Our rehearsal today went well and i'm very impressed with how hard they have worked. They are an awesome group of kids and I am truely blessed to be given the opportunity to work with them.

The journey that began 9 months ago

Wow had to believe that 9 months have passed since March 12. I never thought I would that long clean and sober. I have gone through a lot the last 9 months but I'm so very much grateful for the trials that have been placed in my life (this even includes breaking my ankle). I have learned that no matter how rough life seems to be that it is easier to handle it sober than drinking or doing anything. I am begining to even be able to look myself in the mirror today and smile to myself where even just a couple of months ago that wouldn't happen. I didn't do all this work alone there is one who has always and will always be with me and that's my heavenly father. It has taken me a long time to really find him but he is awesome! I'm just shocked at all the changes that have taken place, the ones that are taking place, and the changes that will take place. Life is good even when it's rough.

Life has many twists and turns and it all leads to gratitude

Well the past couple of weeks have been hard here. I went from driving some to not driving at all to starting to drive again. I will never take for granted walking or driving again. It's when you can't do it the most that you truely find where your strength lies and how much you have to be gratiful for. I am so gratiful for my family, my friends, and the people I have come in contact with. The kids in my ROCK group are a lot of fun and I find that if I'm not there one time it's like I have missed so much. I love seeing the kids who were shy last year when I met them have come out of their shell this year. I am so excited for the Christmas program that we are doing. One is on the sunday before Christmas and the other is Christmas eve. They are excited about this program as am i. I love watching them change and it changes me at the same time. I have gained so much over the last 2 and a half months and one of the lessons that I have learned is that GOD is truely my heavenly father and he loves me for me. He loves me during the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am so thankful for the challenge of running the ROCK group because it forces me to get out of my shell more too. Life around me is awesome!

Update.....

Well lets see in the last week a lot has happened. I was in the hospital for exhaustion for 3 days and slept basically the whole time in the hospital. I felt a lot better when I came home. I have visited my grandma (my mom's mom) twice at the nursing home (one was for their free thanksgiving meal). It was great to see her. Usually I don't have a good relationship with her but it's been changing and maybe that is because i've changed. Helped my grandpa (my dad's dad) program his phone and helped my grandma (my dad's mom) fix her phone. One Monday I got my cast off and now am offically in a walking boot which means I've been walking some! Weds went back to ROCK group and had a blast with the kids. We have a lot of fun together. Today I started driving and while it is painful to move my foot it is still worth it. I've learned a lot this past 7 weeks about gratitude. I am going home in a week and will have my boot on until Dec. 28th.

One week left

Ok so I have one week left of the cast. I can't wait to get it off but am now grateful for the time I have been laid up. It has really brought me closer to my family and I am grateful for that. Life has really been long the last 6 weeks but at the same time I have changed and grown. I'm not sleep and so now waiting for the dr to call me back to see what we can do. I am at home today with the puppy who is being really good but at the same time is annoying because he always wants to go out.

Only 2 weeks left

So today marks the 5 week mark since I fell and broke my ankle (which makes it the 4 week post op). My depression has been up but as a friend of mine said it's a loss of indepence so she can understand why. I've spent a lot of time at the house and haven't been out much. I did take my sister and mom to lunch to thank them for all that they have done for me and will take my dad and mom out to dinner tomorrow to thank my dad. Rock group last week was a blast. We made a video and that was fun. I can't wait for the kids to watch it. On friday a friend picked me up and we went and had dinner with a couple other girls and then went to the movies where I met up with more friends. It was awesome to see people. I'm excited for the 16th to come so that I can begin to walk and hopefully be back up to my normal self by Christmas.

Update from the week

Well today I had to get yet another cast due to the fact I was having way to much pain, burning at incision site, and low grade fever. Thankfully no infection but I do have stain and sprain of the toes and deep bruises but the dr is impressed with the ankle moves. I may not have as much physical therapy when the cast comes off. It's been a slow week and I have been very grumpy. I just get depressed sitting around the house day in and day out. Hopefully this week will be better. I'm starting to lead rock group again and am excited about it.

Life is slowly moving along....

Ok when I saw it's slowly moving along I truely mean it..... I'm so bored but on the bright side have now been laid of 3 weeks out of 7 so there is a small bright light at the end of the tunnel. Today I went back to the surgeon for my 2 week post op appt (one day shy of actually being 2 weeks). I got to see it for the first time and I can offically say I have a foot again. It was so swollen before surgery I wasn't sure what it was but it looks good now. The dr showed me the x-rays and they looked cool but I fill like I am put back together with spare parts. So I guess this makes me a fixer upper. Anyways I started back last week to rock group and it was awesome to be back. This week is sports week and so I went out and bought an ohio state shirt to wear for ROCK group. I have gotten out a few times over the last week and that helps. I will get my cast off Nov. 16th and then will get a boot which I will be aloud to walk in. It will be great to walk again.

Update on life

Well I am still laid up and have 5 more weeks but I'm grateful for that time to chill and think about life. I did have surgery a week ago and a plate and 6 screws were put in my ankle and lower leg to fix it. I quit 4 days after surgery taking pain meds and it's not bad at all. I am starting back to rock group and can't wait to see the rugrats tomorrow. I am excited to get back in there. I'm just helping but hopefully soon will be up to running it again. I started back to meetings and that's going well. Life I am grateful for today because in life there are good times, bad times and ugly times. I am choosing to focus on the good because even when life is ugly it is still good because those experiences make me who I am and I am awesome!

My Favorite Things

So I was reading a friends blog and I saw this on theirs and thought I would do my own version of My favorite things (of 2009)so here goes:

Favorite People and Places:- so I have a ton of awesome friends who I have developed great relationships more so in the last few months. Plus I have an awesome support system who care for me for me. Other favorite people would be my ROCK group kids (who I have missed very much and can't wait to see them tomorrow). I have a great family who have put up with me especially the last 3 weeks invading their house while I recoup with a broken ankle/leg. God is become more and more important to me in the last few months and I can honest say I know I am a loving child of my heavenly father and that's awesome. I'm become one my own favorite person. I am starting to like who I am and the changes taking place. I love my nieces very much (4 and 2). It's been amazing watching them grow. My favorite places are anywhere where my friends and family are.

Favorite Music:- So this year pretty much went from listening to country to now anythings. Some of my favorite songs are Sober by PINK (means so much now to me), I'm Movin' On by Rasical Flatts, A Believers Prayer by Sally DeFord (i sang it this year from memory at my grandmothers church), If Today was Your Last Day by Nickelback, If the Savior Stood beside me by Sally DeFord (my sister and I sang our first ever duet together and it was amazing), Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman, and many man others.

Favorite Outings:- This would have to be my trip to Utah. It was nice to go that far away by myself and prove that I can do it. I got to see lots of awesome friends and meet many new ones. It was amazing because there I had time to think and decide what I want to do with my life and where I want it to lead. It's pretty awesome! Also the branch lake trip was a lot of fun and the first time I have tubed behind a ski boat since I was 15 and I loved it. My 30th birthday party with my friends was a blast and also the day at rock group with the kids were awesome!


Favorite Events:- There are a lot but i'll try to condense them. Laura's supposed to be pretend party that she found out about was way fun! Spending time with Emily and Bryn at their apartment (haven't done it in a long time and need to chill with them after i'm healed). My 30th Birthday was actually a lot of fun! My trip to Utah and seeing all my friends. Day Camp ROCKED and I look forward to going back next year and working with the kids again. VBS at the church with my kids in 1-2 grade they were a blast and were polite! The Branch lake trip. My grandma's 80th birthday and making her a video. Celebrating my friends and nieces birthday were awesome! Seeing Ray Steves at the fair for free was awesome. My last favorite one I will post about was my grandparents 60th wedding trip to Seneca Lake. I love spending 2 days with everyone! It was a blast.

Life has been hetic and busy here

Well last weekend I ended up in the hospital with a small bowel obstruction. This time it required a tube through the nose down to the stomach. It wasn't fun. Came home last Sunday and then monday decided in the morning to go downstairs of my parents house. I fell 2 or 3 steps from the bottom and broke my right ankle (my driving ankle). I will be having surgery this next week because I broke it good and tore the ligements on the inner side. Anyways things here are rough but I'm still very blessed.

It's been a rough week but I'm still here

Well lets see the big thing that happened is Paul and I broke up. I choose to break up with Paul because after much time, energy, and input from other people decided that I wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and before things became too serious such as an engagement I decided to call things off for now. He wasn't very happy and I'm grateful I did it in a public place because I think it could have turned physical if I hadn't done it in public. Life is still good despite trying to sort stuff out. I have 6 months now! Talk about exciting. It's been awhile since I have had that much time in. I finished my aftercare group today and now I'm just down to individual counseling and after a couple months will be done. I'm excited because ROCK group starts next week!!!!!!

My thoughts on life this past few days

So I've decided that life is pretty awesome despite the adversity that creeps in. It's when adversity creeps in that you truly find out how strong you are. This past week has been hard and I am in the process of making a major decision. It's hard because it involves Paul and my life together and am I really ready to take that next step. I have some real challenges this week past and I have come out successful thankfully and I owe that to God because I know if i do my part and trust in him things will work out.

New moto for life going into ROCK group

Alright it's Rock group countdown time. I have just under 3 weeks to have it ready to run. I am beyond nervous about this and as the pastor said I'm not alone she will be there. It's different though going from the helper this year to the leader. So today I was listening to music and I hear the song from the sound of music "I Have Confidence." This song is awesome and I just need to remember to have confidence in myself and things will go well. Favorite line from the song is "It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to All I trust becomes my own I have confidence in confidence alone. I have confidence in confidence alone Besides which you see I have confidence in me!". This is my new moto as I tackle the path which is put out in front of me just not with ROCK group but with life in general.

It's been a very busy week or so

So last week the family went to Seneca Lake to celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary! Wow that's a long time. I only went down for a couple of days. It was fun but tirering. I went swimming, tubing, ate lots of yummy food, and hung out with family. I came home on saturday and actually just laid around and took a me day. I went to church then sunday and heard basically a sermon on moral values (not really what I wanted to hear since i'm working on step 4). Rock group starts again in 3 weeks and I'm excited for the challenge that lays ahead of me. I've never led a group (but I'm leading it with help so that helps). It will be a great adventure watching the kids grow and change in their love of Christ. It will also change me in more ways then I can imagine.

Despite a rough week life is still good

So this week has been a BIG challenge (and that is kind of an understatement) but it's all still good. Life is awesome beyond belief!! That's hard for me to say but I have learned I'm a lot stronger than I have been. It's been a busy week and yesterday I made a slide show for my sister's daycamp (it's over a half hour long and was fun to make). Still doing treatment and meetings. I am going over my 3rd step Monday night with my sponsor which means I will start step 4 which is the step I have never done. I tend to say hetic with it and don't do it and then eventually have to restart the steps yet again. Paul and I have had a rough week in our relationship but we are still together. I am just blessed with awesome people who truely care and love me and don't want to see me get hurt. Well all I can say is LIFE is AWESOME!

Looking at going back to school

So I've decided that maybe I need more to do in my life (for those that think i'm busy all the time....it's a bad idea when i'm not). I have a call into akron to see if I have enough credits to get a bach. degree in general studies. If I do i'm looking at going next fall (2010) to get a master's in youth ministry and substance abuse. I have a lot of work to do before them but i'm excited for the challenege.

So another big step in Paul's and my relationship

Ok not that I haven't always known I have great friends but today especially I found out how important my friends are too me. So when I started helping with the ROCK group I got a chance to get to know the pastor and discovered how much fun she is to work with. I have developed a good relationship with her. Well we were meeting about rock group stuff and other stuff and we were talking about what Paul and I need to do if we decide to get married. Well she said that at least we had to do 3 months of premartial counseling and then at the end of it if she thought we weren't ready then she would tell us and would tell us what we needed to do in order to get married and how long we had to wait. Well I talked with Paul and we decided to do the counseling now so that we can learn and grow together as a couple and hopefully learn to communicate better with each other. I am really scared of taking this next step but at the same time if this relationship is going to work it's what we need to do to grow.

Looking over the past 5 months

You know looking back over the past five months it's been rough going some of the time but in the end it's all been a blessing. I wish I could explain everything i have learned and gained during this time but there isn't enough space. I have overcome a lot in these last five months. I am a lot stronger than I thought I am and know that I can accomplish more than I ever thought I could. I look forward to the adverture of the next month and all that it brings!

It's been a few busy weeks but good weeks for the most part

So I did another VBS at the sister church to the one where I help with ROCK group with a beach theme. It was a lot of fun. I began doing nursery for the children too young to go to sunday school. So far it's just been a 9 month old and myself but i'm cool with that. I have a lot of fun with her. She plays and i play with her and then rock her to sleep so it's all good. I sang in church with my sister and that was a first ever. We sang a song called If the Savior Stood Beside Me and it went really well. Our voices blend very well together. I am still dating Paul and learning more every day why I am falling in love with him. I almost wonder if maybe this could be the one I deside to settle down with and move into the next phase of life. He is going this weekend to my dad's side family reunion so we will see. I celebrated my two "nieces" birthdays (they turn 2 and 4 at the end of the month but i'll be on vacation during their birthdays). It's been amazing to see them grown and learn. I also am getting ready tomorrow (Aug. 12) to celebrate 5 months. It's very very exciting! Life is good even with the twists and turns it throws at you. I'm not saying I'm not struggling cause I do a lot but today I just see the postives in life.

Busy week last week....

So last week was Camp E.D.G.E. {Explore and Discover God Everywhere} (aka vacation bible school) at the Methodist Church. I helped with the kids who had just finished kindergarten and then ones who just finished 1st grade (i had roughly 10 kids each night in my group) and had a blast with them. It was cool because I got to see some of the kids from daycamp. That kept me pretty busy all week and last Tues I had another nerve block that didn't work and now tomorrow have to have an epidural for pain which i'm not looking forward too. I am hoping that it works. Life is good and i am still loving dating Paul in fact I guess I could say I am in love with him. He is such a caring and kind guy who always wants to make sure I am good and things are good. Life is enjoyable just hetic i guess. I'm learning a lot about myself and about who I am lately and I am not quite there but i am begining to maybe just maybe starting to like the person I am.

So so so .........

I am kind of in a blah mood tonight. Life is good don't get me wrong. I'm still on the up and up.... I started helping monday with Camp EDGE (explore and discover god everywhere) at the Methodist church where I will run rock group in the fall....... I am kind of struggling with it but loving it just the same. I had another nerve block done and low and behold it didn't work........ I am still enjoying my time dating Paul and I slowly am moving from the like stage to the love stage. I feel like part of me is missing when he isn't around.....

Mind dump on daycamp and life

Alright so i'll wrap up the last two days of camp and then blog about life. So yesterday we ate breakfast and then the kids either played games with Susie and me or kickball with Morgan and Helen. Yesterday was also Morgan's last day. I made her a scrap book page for helping us all summer when she didn't have to. Then after that we had a snack and then had acting class. I spent a lot of time after camp yesterday getting ready for today since today was the last day of camp. I made the kids all magnets with their names on it. So today I went to camp early and we set up. Fed them breakfast and then we played lots of games. From there they had art and crafts. They made a daycamp picture memory page. Then out to play on the playground. From there we broke open the pinati and then had pizza. Then Helen gave them certificates and I gave them the magnets. We took a group picture and then did a water ballon toss. Over all a very very good day.

Alright my mind dump on life in general. So the last four weeks have been intense and busy but I wouldn't change any of it. I have learned a great deal about patience and that is one thing I didn't have a lot of before and still really at times don't (ask people from today). I have grown in areas and have shown a few times this past month that I can overcome adversity when things look tough I just keep going. I am 2 days shy of hitting 4 months clean and sober. Haven't had that in a long time so it's pretty awesome. I am so very blessed to have Paul in my life. To have someone who likes me for me and through the good and the bad. He totally puts me at ease and I find I am slowly starting to put my guard down. I am also very blessed/grateful to have awesome friends and family in my life.

Last couple of days at camp

Wow the last 2 days has flown by. On Tues we had music. The kids sort of got into it and had fun. Then out to play. Then we came in and had cupcakes for Garret's birthday (well the kids did. I couldn't due to having a nerve block later in the day). We then went out and played with waterballons. Overall a very good day at camp. Today at camp we had a sacivenger hunt which was a lot of fun. From there we had a snack and then the kids either picked to play on the playground or play kickball (it was about half and half). It was a lot of fun today. I am really going to miss camp come friday but am grateful for the experience I have had doing it.

Life is moving fast

Wow part of my summer has flown by. Basically the last month (hummm wonder why could it be daycamp). I have really enjoyed camp and will truely miss it. I love the people I work with and the kids. Some of them just melt my heart. Today we made thank you card and one little girl gave me the one she made and made the kids sign. It truely was very touching. I hope that at times I have made a difference in some of these kids life just by being there for them every day. I am still dating Paul. It's a challenge balancing my life right now between work, dating, recovery, friends and family but i'm managing it. I love the fact that I have done this all without the use of anything to help me along. I will have 4 months on Sunday and am super excited about that. I do have to have a nerve block done tomorrow and am hoping that will take care of the pain in my knee. You would think I would take a week or so off after daycamp but I'm not. I have vacation bible school starting next monday for a week. I am so very grateful for all my many blessings that I have gotten and need to remember to always remember who helped me in all of it. I know I haven't done it alone and it has only been done through the grace and mercy of God. I wouldn't have had the experience of this summer with staying sober and clean and look forward to what the rest of the summer holds for me and the begining of fall.

An awesome day at daycamp.....

Today was a very awesome day at camp. It's hard to believe this is the last week of dayamp. I'm just going to post on daycamp in this post and then will just post about other things in life. So today we had breakfast and then made thank you cards for all the different people who took time away from their lives to come in and help the kids. I found with some of the kids we have to watch them with markers cause they write on the backs of shirts (thankfully it was a brother and sister who this was). After that we let them run loose on the playground and I took some pictures of them. Then we did races and all the kids had fun. We sent them home with lunch.

Wrap up from the week and a new pic

Well camp is over again this week. I love camp and its been a challenge but has well payed off. I will be glad next week when its over and done because I have stuff coming up soon after. In about two months ROCK group will start again and I'm actually running it. I am super excited about starting it. Also with dating it makes my life super busy. A pic of Paul and I will be at the end of the blog post. So yesterday in camp we ate breakfast and then played upset the fruitbasket. We didn't eliminate this time so it went better. From there we played heads up seven up. Then we went out and played red rover and then played on the playground equipment. From there we went and had snack and then the zoo came. Seth the little boy who told me Weds he wanted to kill me has basically warmed up to me and has become my friend.
Here's the pic of Paul and me:

Day four of camp this week

Man we have really lucked out weather wise this week. We have had rain off and on but thankfully every day have been able to be outside. The kids are having a blast and I tell you what I am being challenged this week especially the last couple of days by a couple of kids. I have learned extreme patience but I love it. So today the EMS came and the kids loved that. After that we played bingo for a while and then went out and played. The kids love to play and they like to play games too. It's been amazing to see these kids grow over the course of the 3 weeks we have had them. I love each one of them and next friday it will be hard to know camps over but at the same time it will be awesome to be done because after that vacation bible school will be. After vacation bible school I will have a month and a half to get ready for rock group.

Wow this will be basically a mind dump from daycamp and life

Wow i didn't realize that I hadn't posted on daycamp at all this week. So basically I am just going to give you a run down of life and of camp in one. I am still dating Paul. He makes me smile and laugh (this is a good thing). I really like him (i can't say love yet but hey that's ok). I am falling more that way though. Hard to believe I have known him for a year and a half. It feels right for a change. Hard to think this way but it's awesome. Camp monday went well. They were pretty wild but I think it was just the kids after being gone all weekend. Monday night went to an awesome meeting and found a sponsor. So now the real work comes in with my recovery. Working the 12 steps. Seems at times overwhealming but it will be ok. Tues went well. The kids did very well with music and then played for a little bit. After that they learned some Spanish. They were cute. I went last night to the Orrville Parade and it was a good parade. I went with my friend and her two kids. Her little girl was scared of the fire trucks and so i held her behind in the grass. I can't wait one day to have a little girl or boy to raise of my own. I know it will be on god's time not mine though. Today was the worst day in camp. One of my little guys told me he wanted to kill me. Just shocked me more than anything. None of the kids would really listen and so it made the day worse. Went to a great meeting and then hung out with my friend which helped a lot.

Lessons I have learned from daycamp

Ok so i have learned some very good lessons so far at daycamp. Some are really good lessons and others are ones the kids have learned or taught me which are funny.

Lesson one: I am developing patience. Ok this is a very good lesson because before I didn't like to wait around or be patient but the kids have taught me all about it especially when you want to do something and they don't want to move.

Lesson 2: If you whine enough you will eventually get your way (this is one of the riles kids have). Some of my kids whine a lot so eventually I let them not play the game anymore because who wants to argue.

Lesson 3: When you get yelled at cry because people stop to make sure you are ok. I have one little girl and she is a great little girl. The only thing that drives me crazy is she cries when she a. doesn't get her way or b. gets yelled at. I have learned to see past fake tears and follow through with what I say so that she learns to obey rules.

Lesson 4: Leave your hands off others. This is an important rule so that no one gets hurt. Some of my kids like to put their hands on each other and fight so i separate them. We find that everyone gets along better when no one hits or kicks.

Lesson 5: shoes will get lost for a little bit but if you look hard enough you find them. Someone alway forgets to put their shoes on at times and so we have to send a search party (aka me or another worker) to find them. I think we should just all now start barefoot and see how many shoes will follow.

Lesson 6: It's important to listen so no one gets hurt. We have some young kids and so we have to watch them to make sure they don't fall and get hurt.

Well here are a few lessons I have have learned so far in the last two weeks at daycamp.

Well I survived another week of daycamp

Well today was the last day of camp for the week. It went well. We ended up not playing cornhole but that was ok. Today we ate breakfast. Then went out and played for awhile. Then Helen taught the kids a few signs and taught them the abc with sign. Then we took them outside and game them popcicles and then they played for a few minutes. I tried to get them to play tag. I have never seen so many kids that don't want to do anything. Then the Akron Zoo camp and brought a lizard, a snake, and a porkipine. Was pretty cool. Only two weeks left of camp. I love camp i really do i am just ready for it to be over.

So update from the last two days of daycamp

So I didn't get a chance to post yesterday (was hanging with a friend of mine). So yesterday we had breakfast which the kids ate up fast and then we did a scavenger hunt outside. The kids had a really fun time with that. Then they played outside and then played bingo. They were wild during the last half hour but hey its all good. So today we had breakfast and then went and played kickball and duck duck goose outside. They came in and did an art project. It was an awesome day. I still love daycamp don't get me wrong I will be glad when the week is over and i have the weekend to regroup. I go tomorrow also to see the knee surgeon to see if surgery is the next option.

Wrap up from day 2 of the 2nd week of daycamp

So today was a really busy on your feet day at day camp. It started with me getting Shannon and she helped with daycamp. So we put breakfast together and I got my first injury at camp. I cut my finger on a can opening peaches (it could have been worse so i'm grateful it wasn't). So then we ate breakfast and I took the kids out to play while Steve set up for music. I feel terrible cause the kids don't like music time (they think its boring so i'm trying to see how we can get it more enjoyable). Then after music the big kids went and played kickball with Helen, Morgan, and Heaven and I took the little kids and we played duck duck goose and played a few games with throwing balls in hoops. Then we had a snack and water break. Then outside to play. We had a few cuts (the kids) and one injured ankle but other than that it went well. I am truely grateful for this summer job it is just getting to be a challenge. Hopefully the rest of the week goes well.

Daycamp started with a bang today

Ok not really a bang but I liked that title. Anyways today was the first day of daycamp for the week (week 2 out of 4). The kids are no comfortable with us (Helen, Morgan {one teen whose been there every time} and myself) and now are acting like they probably well the rest of the summer. We ate breakfast and from there went on a walk and picked up trash (aka our nature walk). Then we played on the playground equipment. Then Pastor Deb (from the Methodist church the one I help ROCK group with) came and did some cool activities with the kids. They made a thunderstorm (this was really cool) and sang some songs. Then they went out and played some games. Then from there they came in and got their lunches and left. I tell you what I am very worn out today. Daycamp is a challenge but i am still grateful for it. I really love each of those kids and they told me today (Julie) she wanted to be my partner cause i'm awesome! Made me smile. I am struggling daily to make it through the day. I really messed up my knee and am waiting on the knee surgeon to call me back and see where we go from here. I can barely make it through daycamp every day but I made a comittment and I plan to the best of my ability to stick through it. I am hoping to inch along until after daycamp and then do something about it. I am excited to see Paul tonight (he sent me a text this morning and told me how he is looking forward to seeing me tonight and to have fun at camp).

It's truely amazing where life can lead

So anyways this weekend has been somewhat of a challenge just emotionally but at the same time very rewarding. I went tubing down a river yesterday and hurt my knee worse but hey it could have been much worse and I'm no longer grumpy after last night. So I've been talking to this guy named Paul for a little while and I have known him for a year and a half. Anyways we went on our first date last night. It was amazing! I had an awesome time and I feel so comfortable with him. He makes me laugh and smile and is a great guy over all. I am just grateful for the time I had to spend getting to know him better. He and I are going out tomorrow! I'm excited!!!

Wrap up of the week at camp

Well today was day 5 of the camp and I can say I am grateful that it is done for the week. I'm tired. Today they had breakfast and then exercise and games. Then the Akron Zoo came with a stories plus they brought tortoses, owls, and a rabbit. The kids had a blast. They want to go outside though and today we couldn't because of rain. No injuries again today (so that is awesome). Next week it will be a busy week but a good week. Monday we have camp games, tues music, weds sacivenger hunt, thurs not sure, and friday the zoo again. Anyways I am off to nap.

Daycamp day 4

Well today was day four of daycamp. They were a little wild but still good kids. We had about 38. We ate breakfast and then went and played kickball outside. Had only one injury which is good because we played on the gravel. Then we went in and play upset the fruitbasket. From there Kristy came and showed us about racing. It was a great day.

Daycamp day number 3

I can offically say no injuries today!!!! (it was probably because we were inside due to the rain). Well we had breakfast and then we played Bingo with prizes. We have some young kids who can't read numbers so i went and helped one little girl with it. Then we played upset the fruitbasket (they kids loved this game and want to play it again). Then they had theather class which went well as far as i could tell. We had a snack (poptart) and then we played heads down 7 up (or what ever its called). Then had lunch and signed out. We tried a new sign out policy today and it went well. I am grateful for this new job just struggling thought. It is hard and challenging work but i love it.

Daycamp day number 2

Alright so I survived yet another day at camp. It was fun. We ate breakfast, played on the playground (had a couple cuts {the kids not me}), had music with Steve, had a bloody nose (one of the little boys), had some races and ball games, came in and painted name tages, went back out to play (had a fall and one little girl hurt her knee), and then came in to get lunch and go home. I am tired yet again today. I had fun except that the sight of blood makes me sick and makes me feel like I am going to pass out. I managed just fine today thought which is good. I love the camp and the kids that come. I am grateful to my coworker Helen and to the 4 teens that have helped so far. I am grateful to have this job to do this summer. I am loving life and the challenges it brings and will bring.

Wrap up from day one of camp

So today was the first day of camp. It went really well and they all listened pretty well. Had two minor injuries (dust in an eye and a cut on the knee). I'm grateful that that is all the accidents we had. We had roughly 40 kids and 4 teens helping. We started them inside to eat breakfast and then I took them outside and played human juggling (fun ask if you want to know more). After that I had them scream (which all the kids loved). We took them inside where they painted their wooden nametages and then back outside we went. From there we named our camp. They had 3 choices which they came up with a) bobcat camp; b) Camp Rock; or c) Sunshine camp. Camp Rock won out and so now that is the name of our daycamp. They made an art project and then we gave them their sack lunch to take home and we cleaned up. I am tired and my knee hurts but I am grateful for the oppurtunity I have at the camp. They are a blast to work with and I am sure I will learn a lot over the next 4 weeks. Stay tuned for more updates!

I did it!!!!

Well I coined out (completed) my Choices (intensive outpatient group) today. It feels amazingly good to be done. The last 3 months have been a challenge full of blessings and setbacks. Today one of the girls said she saw something in me she liked and she wanted it. Life is what you make of it. The rest of the week is busy and then daycamp starts monday. We have 25 so far signed up.

Life can be interesting at times

Well I have seen so many blessings lately in my life as the result of following God and trying to get closer to him by following his commandments. I went somewhere on Friday and ran into a couple of people. One of the guys asked if he could talk to me and I said i guess. I stood out side and talked to him. He told me he wanted to make ammends to me. He said he wanted to do it now because he knew how much he had hurt me and he was truely sorry. I told him he was forgiven and I was appricative of the ammends. A few months ago or even hours before this happened you could have told me one day I would tell this person he was forgiven and I would have laughed at you and said yeah right. Since this ammends was made I have been feeling so peaceful and calm. I also have the blessings of my friends love and support. There are way too many to name but I hope you all look at your blessings and remember to thank your heavenly father for them.

Summer so far

So my summer so far is well planned. Tonight I had a meeting on the daycamp and it sounds exciting. I am excited at the chance that I have to help these kids this summer and we will have a blast i'm sure. This weekend is actually my slow weekend (thanks goodness). The only real thing I have is singing Sunday at my grandma's church and the other church attached to it. It's an amazing oppurtunity to be able to share my musical talents. Next week will be busy but exciting at the same time. I am in Choices for only TWO more groups!!!! I am so excited and can't wait for it to be done!!! It's been a long hard road this time trying to maintain my soberity. There are days I think why even try but in the end I play the whole tape through and find that using isn't the answer. On Weds I go to Cleveland with a friend and her two kids to the Zoo and other things. Next Saturday if i am up to it will be going to the Akron Zoo. I start work June 15 and for the next four weeks will be busy every day (Monday thru Friday) with camp. It will be a fun experience and challenging but i'm looking forward to it.

ROCK Group wrap up

So ROCK group is offically over for the summer. I am glad it is over but sad at the same time because I have grown to love all the kids. We always had a blast. It has been amazing to see the kids grow to be a family and love each other. I sit here and think of all the stuff they accomplished from remembering to bring their bible to learning the Lord's prayer. It's truely amazing!

Hopefully June will be a change for growth and change

So today is June 1st. Wow hard to believe that almost a half of a year has flown by. Lets recap what this year has been so far. January was 2 years since my grandfather passed away (its hard to believe that 2 years have passed). Also in January I fell and injured my knee and so most of feb and early march was spent in physical therapy (which hurt me more). In March I went and saw a surgon and we decided to try some meds. In April my grandma turned 80 and I turned 30 (and I acutally handled turning 30 well). Also at the end of April I was in the hospital for a couple days due to my small bowel slowing down and my hemogolbin dropping too low. Then in May I got to go on my first country trip and loved every minute of it. Jessie turned 22 (my sister). I went to Zion's Camp and heard Elder Groberg speak. Also my rock group is over (i will post on this in a later blog today). I also started to receive shots in the knee (my left) which are no fun and hasn't helped much at all. But through out all my trials and all the temptations I have faced in the last 3 months I am grateful because they are refining me to be a better person. Life is how you make it not what is happening to you. I also received awesome news . I on tues (june 9th) will be coining (completing) my Choices (intensive outpatient treatment for drug and alcohol ) group. I am exciting and am ready to go to aftercare and then work on being done. There is a lot in the next year I want to accomplish and in order to do that I can't be in treatment.

Utah continued

So Friday a senior missionary couple (the Hollingsworth) took me to a place called This is the place. It's like a pioneer type village. It was a lot of fun. Friday night I just hung out with Janet. Saturday I went to a cultral festival and then went and meet up with two former senior missionary couples (The Kellers and the Brimhalls). We had lunch and then went and toured the conference center. Afterwards the Kellers took me back to where I was staying. Sister Keller gave me a necklace with the word faith on it so that I can remember to have faith in myself. Then from there I went and hung out with Emily and some people she knew for girls movie night. Sunday I went to hear music and the spoken word which the Mormon Tabernacle Choir broadcasts every sunday. It was a lot of fun. Then I went to church with Emily and just laid low the rest of the day. This morning I flew home. I had an awesome trip and met up with awesome people. I truely love being out west and the people there.

Utah has been an amazing trip so far

On Saturday I went and had lunch with a former missionary and his wife. His wife is so nice and they are a very cute couple. This is the Elder I used to call dude. He is an awesome friend and person. We had our picture taken with the Red Robin. Then from there Amy Sue, Tammy and I went to Temple Square in Salt Lake City. It is an amazing place to visit. I love all the flowers and just all the sites. The conference center has a waterfall built into the front it was amazing to see. Then from temple square we went and dropped Tammy off and then went over to Layton to the mall to go to deseret books and I also got a BYU shirt. It's pretty sweet. Then Amy Sue and I just hung around. Sunday I went to church with Amy Sue and I love single wards (yes I said ward and not branch). I kind of have a crush on one of the guys I met. He is very nice and funny. Then Amy Sue after church brought me over to Nathan's family. I met his mom, dad, sister, and two cousins. After dinner we drove up one of the canyons and I got to hold snow in may. It was fun. Monday I spent the day with Michelle (one of the cousins). We went to temple square and just hung out. It was awesome. Janet and I helped Michelle pack up her car and she went to Provo. Janet (Nathan's mom) and I went to the National History musuem and saw the frog exhibit. It was awesome. I also got to see where the opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics were. Then she, Gary (nathan's dad) and I had dinner and just kind of chilled. Although she took me to a place like Dairy Queen called Shivers (it was awesome). Tues I hung out in the morning and Josh Pappas (he served in the Single's branch back home) went to a bird type zoo thing which was fun. We also went out for Greek food (it was amazing). When I got back I hung out with Nathan's Sister Emily. We went to another deseret books (and I bought a piano book with what my grandma had given me for vacation she is the one who taught to play piano). After there we drove to the great salt lake and that was fun. Then we drove to two temples and got pictures. Weds I went all day to temple square and just walked around. It was fun. I got to hear an organ recital in the tabernacle and that was truly amazing. Weds evening I had dinner with Jason and Melissa Anderson. Jason was a missionary from the Wooster Ward in 2006 when I had moved to wooster. He was an awesome support during that time. It was great to meet his wife too. She is an awesome person. Thurs I hung out at the house and then hung out with Kyle Robison. Kyle serve in Wooster in 2006 too in the later summer/early fall. We went to Park City which is where the bobsled took place at the Olympics. We just walked around and ate. It has truely been amazing to see all these old friends and to meet new ones. I am falling in love with Utah more and more every day. After I get home I will try to post about the rest of my trip and post some pics. I have decided God gives you many oppurtunities and sometimes you have to take them.

Well I made it to Utah

Yesterday I began my cross country adventure to Utah. I flew in to Salt Lake City at 7:00pm their time so it was 9:00pm ohio time. It was awesome to fly in and see the mountains with snow on them. I got to the airport and met up with two sisters that served in my home ward for 6 months. Both sisters haven't changed. They keep me laughing. I am grateful to be able to have this vacation because I feel while i am gone I can do some thinking about my life and where I want it to head. I am going to do some praying and just take time for me this week. It feels weird for me to want to spend time just on me this week but it will be good.

This has been weighing on my mind lately

So I am not on step 9 yet but when the time is right sometimes ammends need to be made sooner than later. So I know I have some occassional lurkers on here and since I no longer have their email I am hoping they are reading this. I just want you to know how sorry I am for the pain and upheaval I caused in your life. I am truely sorry from the bottom of my heart. I want you to know that I wasn't really myself when you met me and i know that doesn't matter. I am taking steps to make myself a better person and one day hope that you can forgive me for what I did. You guys are awesome people and again I am truely sorry. Now hopefully those people will read this blog and in time can forgive.

An awesome Sunday

So yesterday I stopped by the Methodist church to drop off paper work they needed to do a background check to make sure I don't have anything on my record (which I don't) and I ran into my cousin. He said he needed to speak to me. I stayed around and talked with him. I was offered a job this summer being a daycamp counselor for the local park for 4 weeks in the mornings. I am so excited about this possiblity. I have learned that if you are patient, follow the Lord's commandments, and are faithful good things come. I didn't even seek this job out it just kind of happened. I am excited about the oppurtunity laid in front of me.

25 Things about me

So I did this thing on facebook a couple of months ago in a note but thought I would redo it on here and see how it has changed. These are 25 random things about me, hopes, habits, and goals.

1. I used to work in an alternitive middle/high school for a college semester. (I was working on my 2 year degree in Social Service Technology and for a semester interned through Boy's Village at both their treatment foster care {1 day a week} and the Oppurtunity School {3 days a week}. I would go from 9 am until 12pm. I learned a lot that semester and decided eventually that is where I want to work {well in that area of troubled teens}.

2. I was on probation for most of my teen age years but did successfully earn my release from probation and was able to graduate with my class {i failed my 10th grade year but was able to catch up and graduate with my class. Something at one time that no one thought I would accomplish}.

3. I was a part of a community play last Aug. call Over the Rainbow and actually enjoyed doing it (for years I had always said I wanted to do community theather and never went through with it until last year and I found I loved it totally)

4. I am going on my first cross county trip next week (I have never been farther than Ill and I am acutally going to Utah on Friday).

5. I took 2 years of Spanish in highschool and can only remember hi, how are you, and how to count to ten.

6. I wouldn't change any of the experiences I have had in life because they have showed me areas I have grown in, things I need to change, and who my real friends are.

7. I play many different areas but my favorite to play in the paino (I learned to play paino from my grandma {my dad's mom} and it has given many special memories of her and I together)

8. My mom has 2 different sets of parents (ok this is just an interesting fact about my mom's family. My mom's parents were killed when she was two in a freak car accident that also killed her grandfather and aunt {my grandparents were on their way to church with their 5 kids and my grandfather was on either his way to church or home with my aunt in another car and they collided head first into each other and all 4 over 16 were killed. My mom and her siblings all lived} and so she went to live with her aunt who at had 8 other children and my mom made 9.)

9. I was placed for adoption at birth and my parents got me when I was 4 weeks and 3 days old (my parents actually got a call on a monday and asked if they still wanted a baby and my mom of course said yes and they told her to come to the court house on friday to pick up their new baby girl {my parents had a total of 4 days to get prepared for a newborn}).

10. I had one other sister before my little sister came to be (My parents were trying an adoption placement when I was 4 and it didn't work. I have always wondered what happened to Crystal who would be 32 this year. We have never heard anything about her since my parents took her back {long story to explain this one}.

11. I love to sing (i sometimes sing in church and i had a solo in the community play I was in earlier).

12. I love my 2 neices very much (when I moved to wooster in 2006 I got to spend a lot of time with my upstairs neighbor and her family. We became friends very fast and both her girls call me aunt Jen. It's been amazing to see them walk for the first time and to talk. I am amazed at how fast they grow).

13. I love working with the ROCK group (I have learned to love each and every child {it took me a long time to let my guard down and to just have fun with the kids} and enjoy watching them grow in their love of Christ and the love they show each other).

14. I used to work at a domestic violence shelter for 2 years (I also interned there for a semester with the children since my main job was to work with the women. I learned first hand what a hard decision it is to leave a partner who is abusive and I truely give credit to those that do it on a daily basis ).

15. I worked for 2 years of my college years as a video store clerk (and I knew almost all my customers by name when they walked in. I loved that job because I could study when I was slow and it was a lot of fun. I really got to know some of my customers).

16. I graduated in Dec. of 2000 with a two year degree in social work and even for awhile was registared with the state of ohio as a social work assistant (I was the first in my family to graduate college and it was an awesome experience).

17. I have a huge frog collection (and couldn't even begin to tell you how my collection started).

18. I am a daughter of a Heavenly father and he truely loves me for me (all my faults and everything. I just recently have finally accepted that he truely loves me).

19. I have some pretty awesome friends who I don't know today where I would be without them (and I am truely grateful for them and love them so much).

20. I do not like the movie Forest Gump because of the line "that's my jenny" (i hate to be called Jenny and my sister will say it sometimes because she knows I don't like to be called that. She even went as far to write it on my cast one time in big letters knowing I couldn't cut off the cast an it was the middle of aug so i wouldn't be wearing pants).

21. My neighbor met her husband now because of me (This is a funny story. In the apartment complex I live now i used to live there before I moved to wooster. So anyways I moved out and he moved in and they began hanging out and eventually got married. I moved into a different apartment at the complex and they now live 2 doors up from me. She and her husband always look out for me and I love them like my grandparents).

22. I have an older lady who lives in my apartment complex that i have adopted as my grandma (she didn't have kids and i truely love her).

23. I love to read (and have read many books).

24. It takes me a long time to warm up to dogs (I was bit when I was 7 and sometimes dogs scare me).

25. I am glad I let you guys get to know some more about me.

Changes taking place

So life hasn't been exactly easy this past week in fact at times it's been down right hard. I have come to the conclussion that when you are striving your best to follow all of God's commandments this is when Satan will try you the most and lets face it he has. I have seen some awesome blessings happen too. I am so grateful for all that I have learned and the person I am now striving to become. I am loving life and all the people I come into contact with (even the ones who disappoint me and I don't get along with very well). I am grateful this past 2 months to find my true friends (ones who stand by you no matter what) and have found out who wasn't worth my time or energy. I am so grateful just for the new people i am meeting on a daily basis. I love working with the ROCK group (they have so much energy and sometimes I am exhausted when i come home but I love them).

You never know where life will lead

So this past week was full of challenges here. I did get to a lot of meetins during the first few days of the week from like Saturday (the 18th) thru Tues (the 21) well 4 and for me that's a lot. Then Tuesday night real late I started to throw up (almost thought I was going to have my mom take me to the er). I was sick Weds but still went to ROCK group cause I knew they needed an extra person. Weds night I stayed at my parents incase my mom needed to take me to the er. Thurs I layed on their couch all day and when my mom got home she said don't you think we should go to the er. I tried to fight about this and then decided I was too sick to fight any more. We went to the er and I'm grateful we did. My small bowel was slowing (and if i had waited just a few more days I could have been in the same spot 2 yrs ago where i needed surgery) and some of my blood work was way off. They admitted me Thurs night and I was in until Sat with fluids coming in through an iv. By Friday night I was feeling somewhat better but not enough to go home. Friday the dr's came in and said one of my blood tests was off and it was indicating that there was some sort of bleeding going on and if it dropped to an 8 (at this point was 8.3 or so) that I would need a blood transfusion and possilbe surgery to see where the bleeding was coming from. This didn't sound plessant in my book. I remember feeling so scared but then I remembered to pray. I prayed just to feel calm with what ever had to happen and that I would let him take this over and I would be obedient. As soon as I said that prayer I felt calm and knew everything would be ok. The next morning when they took the next blood test (they were in every 6 hrs to take blood) they found that the level went up and were happy and I got to go home. I am so grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father who will not leave me for anything. He is just waiting me for to follow him and to live by his commandments. I am so grateful for the people he has put in my lives and continues to put in my life all the time. I am so grateful for the blessing of families.

Very grateful this morning

Today is the day before my 30th birthday and I am truely grateful for many things in my life. First I am grateful that I made it to 30. I have done things in my life where I could have easily died but yet I am here and I take this to mean that there is something left for me to do here on this earth. I am grateful today more so for my birthmother. She had to make one of the hardest if not the hardest decision to put me up for adoption. I at times wish this would have been an open adoption but I am grateful that she still kept my wellbeing first and decided to give me what she couldn't. I am grateful for my adoptive family. I may not always get along with them but they have gone through hell and back with me and haven't given up on me ever. I know as a teen there were many times they would have liked to say they were done but they weren't able too. If there is anything as a mom (birth or adoptive) that would be my mom cause she has the same amount of love as any mother who birthed their child. I am grateful for my little sister. While we don't always get along she makes me laugh and I honestly don't know where I would be without her in my life. I am grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father who wants me to return to live with him and that he sent his son to atone for my sins. I am grateful to be clean and sober. The last month has been hell but i have made it through it clean and that is only through the help of God and my support systems and friends.

A very humbling experience and the rest of the weekend so far....

Yesterday was Good Friday and I went to the local Methodist Church (where I help with the ROCK group) for their Good Friday Service. I had made mention to my cousin who was in charge of the service that I was coming and if he needed help I would be there. Well I walked in and he asked me to come with him. I walked with him into where they hold worship. They were doing a drama based on good friday. So he told me that in the play the guard was going to grab someone (hence why he wanted to talk to me) from the crowd to finish carring the cross to the front of the church. The church service started with a cross walk (which is where they walked from the park to the church carring a cross stoping at various times to pray) it ended outside the church and then we went in to have the worship part. So I sit down and the guard pulls me out of the pew and shoves me towards the cross. I had never tried to pick up the cross before this and when I tried I relized how heavy the cross was. It made me think about how Christ having just been tried, beaten, convicted and sentenced to death still carried that cross. I know for me carrying the cross to the from was heavy but I can't imagine the pain the Savior went through carring it. I am so grateful for his unselfish act of dying for my sins and making it possible for me to return to live agian with my Heavenly Father. After this experience I went home and thought for a while. I then went to my friend's house where they were throwing me a birthday party. It touches me deeply that I truely have friends who care about me for me and love me no matter what. It's beyond awesome. I had so much fun. They put 30 Candles (since I am turning 30 on the 15th) and lit them. I had a really hard time blowing them out cause some were trick candles. It was a lot of fun though...... I am beyond grateful....

It's been a very challenging but fun filled week

So this week I have been sicker than a dog but its still been an awesome week. I have been going through pictures from over the course of my life and realize how much I miss people I have had contact with over that course. I look back over pictures from when I lived away from home and realized that those times only made me stronger in my life and I would be where I am now if I hadn't gone through them. I am very thankful today because of all the people God has put in my life and continues to put in my life.

The video I made for my grandma

Here is the video I made for my grandma as a tribute to her for her 80th Birthday. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did making it. I am truely grateful that she is my grandma and that I have many memories of her.

A busy but awesome weekend.....

This past weekend was super busy. Usually I would have watched general confence but this year wasn't able too but hey it's on the internet so I can watch it on it. But my grandma (my dad's mom the one I am close too) turned 80 on Sat. We had a family party with all her children (3 and their spouses), my counsin and his girlfirend, Jessie (my little sister), me, and her brother and his wife. My grandma and her husband here also there. I had fun helping getting ready for it. That was on Sat. Then yesterday the Methodist church where she attends threw her a surprise party (with which she was very surprised). It was awesome. I made her a video for her 80th birthday and at some point will try to post it. I love my grandma so much. I then yesterday met with my AA sponsor and we went over the first 3 steps. And she told me I need to get started on my 4th. Kind of nervous about this one becasue its the one I always stop at but i am going to take it slow and i know i can do it. Anways that's how my weekend went.

Let me tell you about the group I help with called the ROCK group!

I started a few weeks after the group started at the Creston United Methodist church. ROCK stands for Radically Outragious Christian Kids. We have kids that go to different churchs and come to the Methodist church after school on Weds night. They are from K-4th grades. It's a lot of fun. Yesterday they were wild I tell you. We let them get up and scream and run around twice just to get rid of their engery. I really have grown to love these kids. At first I was standoffish and didn't really become part of the group (it takes me time to warm up to people) and then its now like I am a part of the group. It's awesome to see these kids change and grow. The depth of knowledge these kids know are amazing. They show the pure love of Christ often and its amazing to see. I am glad I have had the oppurtunity to be a part of this group and it has helped me especially over the last week to realize how I am a daughter of God and no matter what he loves me. He loves me just for me and it doesn't matter how many times I fall or what happens he still loves me. I am grateful!

Ups and Downs

Life is funny because it has many ups and downs. I thought I was really good friends with someone and it turns out we aren't friends at all. This is a down but it also has an upside to it. I made it through what happened between us clean and sober. Instead of picking up I talked with people which is a major step in my mind. I also may be starting a relationship with a guy. He is so funny and makes me laugh every time we talk. I am scared though because am I ready to date again. I have had my heart broke severly by the last couple of guys that I dated (they were either physically abusive or mentally). He seems to be an awesome guy just nervous about it. I leave in 5 weeks and 3 days for utah (after today). I am so excited for the vacation. My grandma (who i like [i have one i don't]) turns 80 on Saturday so I am really excited about that. I am helping my mom cook dinner for the family for her birthday and the next day the church she attends is throwing her a surprise party. I also go this weekend to see the camp which I am applying for so I am excited about that. I have rock group tomorrow so they will keep me on my feet. They did really well on Sunday at church. They were loud and understandable (plus they put me on the spot and it helped me too).

I am getting excited

So today I really have begun my countdown to Utah. I leave in 41 days. I am super excited because it gets me away for 10 days. I am excited to meet people I don't know and to see people who I know and love. It is going to be an awesome experience. I decided too today to apply for a summer job as a camp counselor. It gets me outside my shell and will challenge me and help me grow. I am super excited and can't wait. I will get to see the camp next week and it will be awesome. Life is funny because one minute it will seem that it is all dark and there is no hope but then the next moment there is hope. While the past few months have not been easy I am hoping the next few will be exciting yet challenging. I love all my friends and am so grateful for those that I have gotten to know. While i know that there are ammends to make and they will take time I truely hope that people can forgive me and that I can forgive myself for stuff as well as those that i need to forgive.

Had an awesome visit

Last night I had an awesome visit with a friend from out of state. He is so awesome and makes me laugh each time I see him. He was in town from IN where he attends grad school. I met him in 2004 at my friend's baptism (a month before I was baptized). I remember my first thought about him was wow he is tall. I won't forget the next day when we went to FHE (we used to have them on Sunday nights) and we learned out on the Hansen's porch Popcorn Popping with the hand motions. I at this time really thought he was crazy but I have come to learn that this is just his personality. It was awesome to see him. Just to talk about how things were going and he told me he is looking at school out west to get his PHD. We have been through a lot in the past 4 years and and about 4 months and I wouldn't change most of it. I am glad that he has stuck by me and I have truely learned what a friend is.

Life is what you make of it

So life i have decided is what you make of it. Life is hard and sometimes I don't feel its worth fighting but then a friend will call or someone will drop by and will make me laugh and i forget everything for awhile. This past week has been a big struggle and I have only started to deal with the one thing that has happened. I so much want to go use but I know that is not the answer either cause it will only complicate things. I just hope that with the Lord's help I make it through this with flying colors and work towards a future to where I can be happy and free.

Trying to make it all make sense....

So today especially I have been thinking about the 1st step. I will post here the AA 1st step just so incase you don't know what it is will know what is says. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. I HATE to admit when I am powerless because it implies that I need help. I am supposed to be strong and not need help. I should be able to handle everything and not ask for help. Lately I have seen how much my life is unmanageable and it scares me because I like to think everything is in control and things are ok. You can ask my friends I usually tell them life is great and everything is ok. I am just struggling more and don't want to admit that its at the point that possibly I need more help.....

Isn't it funny

So i've been thinking a lot this morning about one major decision that is affecting my life right now. I keep trying to put off making this decision because maybe deep down i am just unwilling to see that it is probably the best decision for me. Part of me says its what i need but the other half says i can do this and don't need help. I hate asking for help because i'm the one that is supposed to be strong and be there for everyone else. Life sucks sometimes and its these times that I wish i could easily ask for help but i can't. I am so struggling and hurting inside that i want to scream but i can't do that.....

It was a busy and crazy weekend but fun

This weekend was awesome! Friday night I went to an awesome AA meeting! The lead that was there I could relate so much with about the insanity about the disease of addiction. Then I went and picked Nate up in Norton. It was great to hang out with him on Friday. It'w when I don't see people for awhile that I really learn how much I miss them. He showed me an awesome program on the computer called Playlist so we added music to one for me and I love having music going while i'm on the computer. Saturday I went to a Multi-stake activity. I was on crutches but had a great time and the skit our stake did was awesome. Then yesterday I went to church which was beyond awesome seeing how i have missed some in the last few months. It was great to see everyone and just to feel the spirit (something I haven't felt too much lately). My parents also made it home from vacation and it was great to see them too.

Life is precious....

So late Thurs night (11:30) I found out that a friend of mine had passed away on Sunday. He fell off a cliff on Sunday and they found him monday. It's crazy how you could be living one minue and the next you are gone. He was out in new mexico living with a former missionary and working. BO was an awesome awesome guy! He always made me laugh and I remember in 2006 going out for his birthday. It was awesome. He was such a happy person and brought happiness to those around him. I am grateful for the plan of salvation becasue it reminds of the promise of what comes next. I will miss you BO but know that I will see you again.

So heard a new song this past week that has hit me...

So lately my friend Nate has got me listening to something other than country and I actually like it. There has been this song on the radio and I wasn't sure what it was called. It's call Sober by Pink. Here are the words:
"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4'oclock in the morning
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won'te be home.
Aahh the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like protections
How do I feel this good sober?
I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
Cryin scares me cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use?
Aahh, the night/dawn is calling?
And it whispers to me softy come to and play
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
I'm coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Looking for myself---SOBER
When it's good, then its good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a fit
Oooo Oooo
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
Oooo Oooo
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
Will I ever feel this good sober?
Te me, No no no no no pain
How do I feel this good sober?

Just recently I think this song fits me to a t. I have been really struggling with my soberity. I hate pain and don't want to feel any and so basically have been staying high and or drunk just so I don't have to feel. I think back to July of 2007 until Feb of 2008. I had 6 months of being clean there and it was so freeing and I was so happy but then I got caught back up in the lifestyle. Recently I have known 2 people who have died (in the last 2 weeks) from drugs and alcohol, one that got sent to prison due to drugs, and 2 that are waiting to see what their punnishments are for drug related things. It really has caused me to think about what I am doing. I don't ever want to go to prison because to be honest living in my addiction is enough of a prison for me. It keeps me from letting people be around me and takes me away from people. I am hoping what is going to happen soon will help me out and help me get my life straightened out and repair damage i have done.