Ups and Downs

Life is funny because it has many ups and downs. I thought I was really good friends with someone and it turns out we aren't friends at all. This is a down but it also has an upside to it. I made it through what happened between us clean and sober. Instead of picking up I talked with people which is a major step in my mind. I also may be starting a relationship with a guy. He is so funny and makes me laugh every time we talk. I am scared though because am I ready to date again. I have had my heart broke severly by the last couple of guys that I dated (they were either physically abusive or mentally). He seems to be an awesome guy just nervous about it. I leave in 5 weeks and 3 days for utah (after today). I am so excited for the vacation. My grandma (who i like [i have one i don't]) turns 80 on Saturday so I am really excited about that. I am helping my mom cook dinner for the family for her birthday and the next day the church she attends is throwing her a surprise party. I also go this weekend to see the camp which I am applying for so I am excited about that. I have rock group tomorrow so they will keep me on my feet. They did really well on Sunday at church. They were loud and understandable (plus they put me on the spot and it helped me too).

I am getting excited

So today I really have begun my countdown to Utah. I leave in 41 days. I am super excited because it gets me away for 10 days. I am excited to meet people I don't know and to see people who I know and love. It is going to be an awesome experience. I decided too today to apply for a summer job as a camp counselor. It gets me outside my shell and will challenge me and help me grow. I am super excited and can't wait. I will get to see the camp next week and it will be awesome. Life is funny because one minute it will seem that it is all dark and there is no hope but then the next moment there is hope. While the past few months have not been easy I am hoping the next few will be exciting yet challenging. I love all my friends and am so grateful for those that I have gotten to know. While i know that there are ammends to make and they will take time I truely hope that people can forgive me and that I can forgive myself for stuff as well as those that i need to forgive.

Had an awesome visit

Last night I had an awesome visit with a friend from out of state. He is so awesome and makes me laugh each time I see him. He was in town from IN where he attends grad school. I met him in 2004 at my friend's baptism (a month before I was baptized). I remember my first thought about him was wow he is tall. I won't forget the next day when we went to FHE (we used to have them on Sunday nights) and we learned out on the Hansen's porch Popcorn Popping with the hand motions. I at this time really thought he was crazy but I have come to learn that this is just his personality. It was awesome to see him. Just to talk about how things were going and he told me he is looking at school out west to get his PHD. We have been through a lot in the past 4 years and and about 4 months and I wouldn't change most of it. I am glad that he has stuck by me and I have truely learned what a friend is.

Life is what you make of it

So life i have decided is what you make of it. Life is hard and sometimes I don't feel its worth fighting but then a friend will call or someone will drop by and will make me laugh and i forget everything for awhile. This past week has been a big struggle and I have only started to deal with the one thing that has happened. I so much want to go use but I know that is not the answer either cause it will only complicate things. I just hope that with the Lord's help I make it through this with flying colors and work towards a future to where I can be happy and free.

Trying to make it all make sense....

So today especially I have been thinking about the 1st step. I will post here the AA 1st step just so incase you don't know what it is will know what is says. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. I HATE to admit when I am powerless because it implies that I need help. I am supposed to be strong and not need help. I should be able to handle everything and not ask for help. Lately I have seen how much my life is unmanageable and it scares me because I like to think everything is in control and things are ok. You can ask my friends I usually tell them life is great and everything is ok. I am just struggling more and don't want to admit that its at the point that possibly I need more help.....

Isn't it funny

So i've been thinking a lot this morning about one major decision that is affecting my life right now. I keep trying to put off making this decision because maybe deep down i am just unwilling to see that it is probably the best decision for me. Part of me says its what i need but the other half says i can do this and don't need help. I hate asking for help because i'm the one that is supposed to be strong and be there for everyone else. Life sucks sometimes and its these times that I wish i could easily ask for help but i can't. I am so struggling and hurting inside that i want to scream but i can't do that.....

It was a busy and crazy weekend but fun

This weekend was awesome! Friday night I went to an awesome AA meeting! The lead that was there I could relate so much with about the insanity about the disease of addiction. Then I went and picked Nate up in Norton. It was great to hang out with him on Friday. It'w when I don't see people for awhile that I really learn how much I miss them. He showed me an awesome program on the computer called Playlist so we added music to one for me and I love having music going while i'm on the computer. Saturday I went to a Multi-stake activity. I was on crutches but had a great time and the skit our stake did was awesome. Then yesterday I went to church which was beyond awesome seeing how i have missed some in the last few months. It was great to see everyone and just to feel the spirit (something I haven't felt too much lately). My parents also made it home from vacation and it was great to see them too.

Life is precious....

So late Thurs night (11:30) I found out that a friend of mine had passed away on Sunday. He fell off a cliff on Sunday and they found him monday. It's crazy how you could be living one minue and the next you are gone. He was out in new mexico living with a former missionary and working. BO was an awesome awesome guy! He always made me laugh and I remember in 2006 going out for his birthday. It was awesome. He was such a happy person and brought happiness to those around him. I am grateful for the plan of salvation becasue it reminds of the promise of what comes next. I will miss you BO but know that I will see you again.

So heard a new song this past week that has hit me...

So lately my friend Nate has got me listening to something other than country and I actually like it. There has been this song on the radio and I wasn't sure what it was called. It's call Sober by Pink. Here are the words:
"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4'oclock in the morning
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won'te be home.
Aahh the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like protections
How do I feel this good sober?
I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
Cryin scares me cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use?
Aahh, the night/dawn is calling?
And it whispers to me softy come to and play
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
I'm coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Looking for myself---SOBER
When it's good, then its good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a fit
Oooo Oooo
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
Oooo Oooo
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?
Will I ever feel this good sober?
Te me, No no no no no pain
How do I feel this good sober?

Just recently I think this song fits me to a t. I have been really struggling with my soberity. I hate pain and don't want to feel any and so basically have been staying high and or drunk just so I don't have to feel. I think back to July of 2007 until Feb of 2008. I had 6 months of being clean there and it was so freeing and I was so happy but then I got caught back up in the lifestyle. Recently I have known 2 people who have died (in the last 2 weeks) from drugs and alcohol, one that got sent to prison due to drugs, and 2 that are waiting to see what their punnishments are for drug related things. It really has caused me to think about what I am doing. I don't ever want to go to prison because to be honest living in my addiction is enough of a prison for me. It keeps me from letting people be around me and takes me away from people. I am hoping what is going to happen soon will help me out and help me get my life straightened out and repair damage i have done.