So.....

So I have to have more testing because they found a complex mass. I really know God doesn't give me more than I can handle and I am really learning to turn to him in this. I will be ok with what ever it turns out to be. It's just the waiting that is so hard.

Life doesn't always lead where I want it to go but God leads me to where he wants me

This is a picture from when my family went on our cruise to Bermuda in April. I really would love to be there but I'm here in cold ohio which is ok too. Anways life right now has been truely a big trial but I know in all of it there are great blessings that will come. Recently I went to a place and Canton and came home very sick. They diagnoised with with colitis but now aren't sure that is what is going on. I was supposed to have a ct last week and couldn't drink the stuff they give you so I am attempting it again. I also have a special xray on thurs that could take between 4 and 6 hours. My white count is all off (that's even on antibioics) and my hemoglobin has dropped yet again. I know that what ever is going on that God will provide an answer to what is going on and will strength me and provide a way through this. Please keep myself and my family in your prayers during all this because it's not easy on them not knowing what is wrong. Also please keep a friend of mine and her family in your prayers. She lost her infant son on Weds morning and I wish there was more that I could do. Anways I will just image I am on the beach in Bermuda and hope to feel better asap!

Life what more can I say

So lately I've felt like a truck stuck in the mud but looking back over the past month there has been some really good times and some really low times. This month I went to my first major concert sober and got to see Rascal Flatts...... I love their song I'm moving on. It reminds me of what I'm trying to do in my life. To let go of the past and move on. I went with my dad, mom, and my friend who is having her first baby in Nov. I can't wait to meet this little guy who I am sure will be adorable. I got to see a really good friend from out of state and heard the words from him that he is proud of me. Rock group started and I love those kids. Some bad times have been my great aunt lil passed away, had another small bowel obstruction so I was in the hospital, my white count is still up, have had a sinus infection, brochitis, and also my great aunt bertha in WV passed away. Despite all this going on I am still here and trying my best to keep going down the path in life i know is the best for me. Life is always good as long as you concentrate on the positive and not the negative.

Wow it's been just a little over a month

Wow it's been a little over a month since I updated this blog. It's been a busy month here. I am offically boot free and back into two matching shoes which is awesome. It was also time for my year visit to the Wooster Hospital for a bowel obstruction. I started getting sick probably tues and by thurs was in termendious pain and so I went this time to the dr who ordered a cat scan for that day and then went home to wait the results of the cat scan. After the dr read the cat scan results they sent me to see the surgeon asap who then sent me to the er and I was admitted and put on an iv. Once I got admitted to the floor they put in a ng tube (tube from the nose to the stomach which was no fun). I got it removed on friday and started eating again on clear liquids on sat. I moved to full liquids on sunday and got to come home. My iv blew on saturday night at 1am and it took them until 4 to place a new one (i lost count of all the times they poked me). I'm grateful to be home. Life is a challenge lately. I started IOP again since I lost my soberity in july and am looking at possibly residential but we'll see. Life is a gift and I want to enjoy it!

So surgery came and went

So I had surgery on July 20th and it was a success. For once I can say I am totally pain free. I had it done July 20th and spent about 13 days recovering at my parents until I could drive. I did have some little trouble with the pain meds but I'm back to going to meetings, talking with people, and working the steps. The incision looks awesome (seeing how they wen through the same incision I figured it would look worse but doesn't). I did have some problems right before surgery after they gave me the nerve block my blood pressure dropped to 88/60 (normally i only run 110/80) and my parents were worried but everything went well. The stuff that they had seen on the bone scan turned out to be just really bad irritation and so there is nothing more that has to be done. I will wear a walking boot until Aug 30th and then I can be off and running again in two matching shoes. I will laugh because I had a couple friends tell me they want shoes just like mine. I used to say when I first broke my ankle last year that I had to go back to my parents house but in reality they let me come home. It's one of the benifits that has come from the past year.

Wow camp flew by

Well daycamp is over and I love every minute of it even the times where I was pushed beyond what I thought I could handle. We had an awesome group of kids this summer and I made a video of pictures set to music for the helpers. It's the saturday before I have surgery which is scheduled for Tues. I am nervous but still hoping things go like he says they should. Hoping that it's just a pocket of infection and nothing else.

Daycamp run down week 2 and other things

So daycamp has been going great. I'm loving it although I'm having a lot of pain in my ankle (but that's life). Monday they walked (I drove) to the library and got a history lesson from my grandma on the history of Creston. Tues we played counselor hunting (the kids have to find the 4 people hiding) and only 3 kids found me and we had art (why is painting so messy but yet so fun). Weds we played outside dodgeball in the grass and then had another art day. Thurs we had music and then the rain stopped and we tossed water ballons. Friday we played kickball, finished art projects, and the zoo came. It's so much fun to see how the kids react to the zoo. They brought a rat snake, a rabbit, and some ducks (the kids got to feed the ducks). I'm really enjoying camp and only get tested a few times but it's great. Life is awesome despite other trials going on. I now go Monday to see my surgeon about scheduling surgery to have my plate and screws removed. It still won't be until the week of July 12th but that's ok. I gave another lead and it reminds me of why I'm grateful for the life I have had f or the past 15 months. I've spent a lot of time with my grandparents this week (my dad's) due to me singing sunday in church and it's been great to just spend time with them. I'm loving my life :)

This week has been a huge blessing

So daycamp started Monday. I am loving it again this year. I have the walking part worked out with my coworker so I can drive and meet them at each of the places we walk to. Monday my coworker and I split up the age groups and I took the younger 5 and 6 year old kids. The older kids played kick ball. We played duck duck goose, red light green light, and simon says. They also got to play on the playground. We walked to an old house and got to learn the history of it. Tues the fire department came and showed off their truck and also showed the kids what they look like in a fire suit. They played on the playground again and then we played some inside games (upset the fruit basket and heads up 7 up). Weds we did a few races (one called the dragon race) and then just played. They also got to see a race car. Today we made musical intruments, had music, then the kids hunted us (4 staff), then we played dodge ball, and tag. I'm really loving the kids we have and how well they get along together.

Daycamp ramblings

So daycamp started yesterday.......We had over 30 both days........ it is going to be a challenge this year with my ankle the way it is (seeing how basically as soon as daycamp is over I'm going to be having surgery). The walking will be a challenge but so far I've been able to do everything. Tomorrow I'm going to do capture the flag with them.

Life is a trip that's for sure

Hummm so this week has been a crazy hetic week. I found out on Thurs that my plate and screws have to come out in July (well I talked them into waiting until July so I could do daycamp again). There is some sort of mass in my foot around the screws and plates and so when they get in there they will find out what it is. I haven't said anything to my family yet because with my dad being sick I just don't want them to worry about what it could be. I was sick last sunday and monday. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow with a friend and it should be fun. Anyways that is the latest.

Ramblings on the home front

So really not a lot going on. I spent almost 8 hours at the er on sunday sicker than a dog (they ruled it was the small bowel begining to slow but not enough that they sent me home). I got some pain meds in an iv and my sister says that she loves me when I'm on pain meds because I'm funny. I was still sick monday and didn't do much. I feel stuck in my recovery right now. I almost am to the point of not caring what I stand to lose but I know that's not true. I'm taking the next few days to regroup and then daycamp starts a week from monday. I'm excited to spend another summer with the kiddos.

The Knots Prayer

A friend sent this to me in an email this morning and I am striving to let go of some of the "nots" in my life and this is an awesome prayer.

The Knots Prayer

Dear God:

Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart, and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots, and the do nots that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots, may nots, mights not that may find a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots, would nots, and should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, Dear God, I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart, and my life all of the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.

Amen

So this time 31 years ago

So today marks my family's first start on the road of becoming a family. My mom said at 9:00am they were at the courthouse and she heard me cry and she was happy when she got to hold me for the first time. She also said that they had a lot of visitors that first day because I was the answer to so many prayers from many different people. My parents had tried for 8 years to have a child and then they got the call on a monday the 14th of May (1979) and asked if they wanted a baby and my mom said yes and they were told to come get me on friday 18th of May. I'm so grateful for my birthmother's unselfish decision to give me a chance at having a family who would love and support me. I'm grateful for my adoptive family too.

So this time 31 years ago

Seems like a weird title to put on this post but it fits. This time 31 years ago my parents had just gotten a phone call which gave them a total of basically 4 days to get everything they needed together for a 4 week old baby girl (me). I've been thinking a lot of what makes a mother lately. And I found this poem so I thought I would share.

Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make your one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you
Now, which of these two women, Are you a product of?
Both my darling, Both, just different types of love.
Author Unknown

I'm so grateful that my birthmother placed me for adoption and that I ended up with the family I ended up with. I'm truely grateful for my family and they are an awesome party of my life. And to answer my thought above what makes a mother. This is my defination this year. A mother is someone who has ever been pregnant, gave birth to a child, choose the rocky path of placing a baby up for adoption, choosing to adopt, lost a child, and also those that impact a child's life.

Been a rough week

Wow I am so glad it's friday and that after today I have two days to regroup until I have to lead on Monday. It's been a really rough few days and I have found that life truely is a gift and is meant to be lived. On Tues a neighbor that lived two doors up passed away in his sleep in the early morning. I really thought a lot of this elderly neighbor and loved him. It's been hard to go to his house and not see him there. He moved into my old apt when I moved out and ended up marrying my neighbor who I was close with. When I moved back to my old apt complex they ended up moving 2 doors up from me. They are like my grandparents always looking out for me and if I didn't come home he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. He's been sick for awhile so I'm glad he isn't in pain. My heart is breaking knowing that I am saying goodbye but I know it's only for awhile. I've learned that I can't give up even though I want toooo. I would give anything right now not to feel this pain but can't turn back to my recovery.

How Bermuda went

Wow I just realized I didn't post on how the cruise to Bermuda went........ Well we left early the morning of the 10th and drove the 8 hours to New Jersey to the cruise port. We went through the line and my dad had to get the medical check (due to his COPD). He passed and we were able to onboard the ship (which is the Explore of the Sea). We had lunch (well mom, dad and I did Jessie had some motion sickness) and then went to our room. It wasn't as small as I thought it would be. I went and explored the ship and found out where the meeting of the friends of Bill W was and I went every day except for Monday when I fell asleep and slept through half. Food was excelent on our cruise and we had a blast on the ship. In Bermuda we went on an island tour and went shopping. The 2nd night on the boat they sang happy birthday to me at dinner. That was a lot of fun. We came home on my birthday and I have a birthday card from bermuda.

Bermuda Bound

So later today we are leaving for a 5 day cruise to Bermuda!!!!!! I'll post tons of pics when I get back.

An awesome man passed away today.........

So this morning I found out my great uncle Ken passed away. He was 96 years old. This man was one of the five families who took in one of my mom and her four siblings. It's amazing to hear of a family who wanted to the kids to leave close together so they could see each other. My uncle was a really awesome man who worked hard and still into his 80s worked on the family farm. My thoughts today are how precious life is and how much you should tell your family you love them.

Well it's been just a few days over the year mark

Life is amazing!!!!!!!! I hit one year of total soberity on Friday March 12th. I spent the day with a few awesome people. I went with my friend Deb (she is the pastor at the church where I lead the community youth group) to Dr. Bob's House (we also had breakfast before hand). It is the home of one of the co-founders of AA. It truely was an awesome experience. On the way to the house I tried to reflect on each of the 12 steps as I went up (and yes there really are 12 steps leading up to the house). Once in the house and I went inside a guy stuck out his hand and shook mine and said welcome home. Never when I was drinking was I ever welcomed let along welcomed home. We toured the house and saw a movie. It was an amazing trip. Then I went to my parents for a few and then went and spent the evening and night with my friend Amy and her two kids. We had dinner and then I went to a meeting. After the meeting I went back to her house and took my Wii with me and we had a blast. The next day I went to lunch with friends and got an awesome fortune...... A solid challenge will bring forth your finest abilities (kind of perfect). I then went to an activity..... I had a really good talk with a friend who got me to see what I need to look at and so i'm in the process of looking at it. Yesterday I went to church and heard a great message and then went back over and saw Amy. I went home and then went to a meeting where I chaired and also went over my 11th step with my sponsor. Today I had another blood count down and it is finally going up and not down so the iv iron is working...... I had a reaction last weds and spent 3 and a half hours in the er to rule out a heart attack........ Oh well life is just what you make it and today it's awesome!

The year is just about up

Wow hard to believe a year ago at this time I was struggling to think if being sober was even worth it or for that fact if dying wouldn't have been a better option for me. I'm grateful that in just 7 short days I will have 1 year of total soberity. It's been an amazing journey full of self discovery and new insights on life. I'm truely grateful to have grown in my relationship with a God of my own understand. I'm still going to treatment but you know what that's ok because there are still things that I need to work through. Life is amazing that's all I can say. So yesterday I started a new class through treatment called Play Theraphy for Adults. In my internships in college I did play therapy with children and so I wasn't sure what to think about this class. It was actually a really cool class and I can't wait to go back next week. This week it was a team building exercise where we were split into 3 (2 people) groups. We were given a paper bag filled with straws, tape, and a ruler. Our goal was to build the tallest freestanding tower out of the materials given. Well for the first part of the activity my partner and I were aloud to talk to each other but half way through we were given a piece of paper from the city counseler member and ours said that our union was on strike and we couldn't talk to each other. YUCK at first we were at lost on what to do but we quickly regrouped and were able to communicate with motions and facial expressions. We were the group that won. The other groups had different messages but no other group was not aloud to talk. This made me think that in recovery I'm not always able to get ahold of other people but that I can always go to God and talk to him. Other things going on this month are I'm celebrating next friday by going to Dr/ Bob's House with a friend for my one year, I giving my first lead in AA at the end of the month, and also I'm singing Palm Sunday plus throw in ROCK group stuff and more iv iron and it's pretty full. Life is a journey!

Just a little update in my world

Life is still awesome despite being pretty sick. I ended up having a reaction to the iv iron and so I couldn't get it. Then I had a reaction to the oral iron too and they told me today not to take it. I go in next monday and we will decide from there if the blood transfusion would be the next step or what will happen. I had a kidney infection and am still not feeling well. Paul is home and I have spent some time with him and he wants to get married.... so stayed tuned for the latest there. Anyways Life is still awesome despite being sick.

Life is awesome

You know lately I've discovered how awesome life is despite the challenges that come up. So today I hit my 11 months clean and sober mark. Wow one month short of a year which is totally awesome!!!!! A few months ago I didn't think that this was possible. So update from yesterday is I have to go Monday morning and have yet more blood work. My blood counts and levels are way off. I also have to have iv iron and some other crap done on Monday which means a total of possibly 3 hours at the dr's office (2 of those spent hooked to an iv). I'm grateful because a few months ago I don't think that I could have handled being hooked up to an iv for that long since I used to use drugs by shooting up. I am grateful for the knowledge that God won't give me more than I can handle and when I think I'm at my witts end that he still provides a way for me to make it through.

You never know where life will lead

It's been a funny day. I've been at my parents since yesterday because of the snow. I have an appt tomorrow with a blood specialist to see why my blood counts and levels are all off. I'm hoping that things are ok and that nothing more will be needed but according to my last blood levels for iron they are way off. They are talking about an iv to up my iron and other stuff. I am turning this over to the Lord because that's all I can do.

Snow....Snow...and more Snow.....

YUCK so for the past week we have had major snow...... and it looks as if tomorrow there will no school which kind of sucks cause I made the ROCK group a treat bag for Valentines day but hey I can give them to them next week. I've had a ton of time to do thinking the last few days and I'm so excited for Paul to come home from Flordia.... It's been a long long 6 weeks. It's funny how my mom asked about how I felt about Paul and if I thought there was a future together. A few months ago NO I didn't feel or think that there would be a future with him but he has changed a lot since September and those feelings have resurfaced of love for him and I can't wait to do more when he gets back. He comes home Valentines day which is exciting because I didn't think he was coming back until the 17th. It will be great to see him and he says he has something to ask me when he gets home. Who knows..... Life is funny. So my offical countdown is 3 days until Friday which means I will have 11 months sober and clean. This has been the hardest time of my life but the most fullfilling time too. I've learned so much and continue to learn as time goes by. If even a couple months ago if you would have asked me if soberity was worth it I would have laughed and said heck no but one thing I have learned is how worth it is. I've gained so much in recovery. The biggest thing that I have gotten is the trust of my family and friends. I mean look at the stuff I am attempting to do that a year ago who would have though was possible. I successfully helped run a daycamp (and am going to do it again this summer), I am in the process of learning to be an awesome youth leader, I have some more self confidence and am working on building it, and I could list more and more but that is getting into pride (one of the things I am learning to let go of). My relationship with God has really changed this year too....... I am so grateful for those small blessings in my life that he gives me daily. I overheard this last night at the AA meeting I was at. We were talking about Step 2 which is Came to believe that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity. I hear one guy asked did you wake up this morning and another guy answered yeah i did. The first guy said there's your proof that there is a power that is greater than yourself....... Really made me think and I agree every morning when I wake up there is something that provokes me to get up and live a life (a life now that I am grateful of to call a life and share with others).

Wow it's been a little over a month since I did an update

Hey sorry it's been a very busy and stressful few weeks but I'm still here. Lets see New Years came and went by fast. Paul went to FL and is due to come home in 8 days. I really can't wait to see him. I still do love him and hope we can work on having a relationship and that who knows maybe more. He makes me smile and laugh and just really boasts me up emotionally lately when I talked to him. Rock group is back and is a lot of fun. I really enjoy each of the kids (even the ones I struggle with). I couldn't have my dental surgery due to my iron being way too low but we are working on that and hopefully mid april or late april I will have them taken care of and new teeth in june. In 6 days it will be 11 months since I started on my journey to finally get rid of stuff and it's a struggle to this day not to run at times but what I have gone through and continue to go through refines me into the person God wants me to be. Life is awesome!!!!!